Author: Bean

A Chaotic, Prismatic Puzzle

I am bipolar 1. I am unmedicated and lucky enough to be fully functional without. 

I also flirt the edges of a personality disorder which adds all sorts of flavors to everything. I am a chaotic, prismatic, puzzle.  I have a unusual chemical make up that presents a plethora of challenges others commonly don’t experience. At least not with the regularity that I do. I am even unto myself complicated.

It took me years to understand and accept the reason I had so much emotional difficulty, dizzy sky highs and pit of despair lows; not to mention the high risk behavior, black outs and bouts of insane paranoia. It was only four years ago that I realized and acknowledged what others around me had already suspected for years. I am bipolar. Which was an awakening of major proportions for me. Suddenly it all made sense.

As it goes I have been incredibly fortunate.  In all my bouts of self medicating the worst drug use was pot and the closest I came to being an addict was to sex. I have long since given up the pot and curbed my erotic appetites to just voracious kinky versus self destructive fuck junky. (Please pardon the profanity)

I have lived most of my life in the belief that I am irreparably damaged beyond redemption and basically unworthy of love or lasting friendships because of it. 

But not anymore.

Thanks to three of the most amazing people anyone could ever meet, my friends. I have learned and accepted that I am not broken. I am just uniquely wired.

Thus I have to approach certain situations differently. I also have to manage a wide spectrum of emotional variations and chronic mental pain. Its hard. It has always been hard, but I can do it and as long as I can I will remain unmedicated.

I live because its beautiful. I seek little joys daily and try not to get wound up over not having the big ones. Sometimes they come and sometimes not.

I don’t always succeed. I allow myself to be imperfect as difficult as that is. I continue to try, even when I do not want too. 

Its a manic world


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